Alternative Baseball Universes

I gotta tell you, I am loving my baseball fantasy league. Through faux press releases and newspaper articles, we are slowly creating an alternative baseball universe that has to be so much better than the real one. A representative post from the Klamath Timberbarons:

by: Klamath Timberbarons (amc1977)

Apr 16 12:20pm

AMSTERDAM (AP) - Klamath Timberbarons manager Bert Blyleven was detained by Dutch authorities as he attempted to board a flight bound for Jakarta at Amsterdam's Schiphol International Airport. Blyleven, 55, disappeared several days before the start of the 2007 season, much to the surprise of his team and front office. According to local authorities, Blyleven has been a staunch and long-time supporter of the Gereformeerde Arbeidspartij van de Vreij Europa, a splinter faction of the more mainstream Volkspartij voor Vrijheid en Democratie that seeks to eliminate what it describes as "the treasonous infestation of the Euro". Since the adoption of the single-currency system, party stalwarts have orchestrated a number of brazen plots to disrupt acceptance of the Euro, including an abortive plan to destroy the European Central Bank. Blyleven, born in Zeist near Utrecht, has long advocated policies of economic isolationism while calling for strong tariffs and a moratorium on immigration. Blyleven has been sought by Dutch authorities since 2002 for his role in the assassination of rival Pim Fortuyn. Speaking through his lawyer, Blyleven dismissed the charges as baseless, but refused to explain his travel plans to Indonesia. Formal charges against Blyleven are expected to be announced later this afternoon. Reaction amongst the Timberbarons players was mixed. Vladimir Guerrero, himself an outspoken critic of transnational monetary systems, was outraged by the arrest, adding "we're just trying to play 162 and put a few Ws on the board". Guerrero added "As long as I've known Bert, he's been a champion for the cause of the radical left", uncertain how precisely his statement will benefit Blyleven's defense. Managerial responsibilities during Blyleven's continued absence will be assumed jointly by third base coach Albert "Joey" Belle and McGruff the Crime Dog, the anthropomorphic cartoon bloodhound created by the National Crime Prevention Council for use by American police in building crime awareness among children in the 1980s and 90s.

I wish I could share them all with you and I pity you that I can't. Let your consolation lie in the fact that i am happy as a clam in mud.