GOP Talking Points

On the GAO and "Patraeus" Reports, you are allowed to hold one of two positions.

1. The benchmarks are artificial and the product of yesterday's thinking. You always opposed these benchmarks. The benchmarks are "top down" and "centralized." You are not a pussy, so you are not actually allowed to use the phrases "from the ground up" or "organic," but you can certainly let your listener come to those words on his or her own. There is progress being made.

2. If your opponent should assert that there is no progress being made and for whatever reason you are not allowed to use talking point number one (perhaps you host some sort of media show that keeps transcripts), then accuse your opponent of not waiting for General Patraeus' Report. Accuse him or her of being a leftist who already has his or her mind made up. Keep asserting that progress is being made because General Patraeus says progress is being made.

Since both of these talking points ignore all facts and are inherently and internally contradictory, it is recommended that you team with a partner and deploy both tactics simultaneously and loudly.

REMEMBER! Democrats are scared of men in uniforms. When in doubt repeat "General Patraeus, General Patraeus, General Patraeus," at no time will any of them dare dispute anything we tell him to say.