Hotel, Motel

What is more annoying, the (large) dog left behind in a room down the hall that has been barking non-stop for the last 20 minutes or the guy in the room next to me repeatedly shouting into the hallway to "Shut up that damn dog!" and slamming his hotel room door.

Ah, AGEL, why do I love you so?

AGEL So Far

4:45 am: Got picked up by a taxi, as my car is in the shop. It needed a new battery. I told them this. I took it in on Wednesday morning (well, Ginger did). When I set up the appointment, I made it clear that I needed the car back Wednesday night, as I was going out of town. I got a hold of them on Wednesday evening, but they needed more time to figure out what was wrong with it. Got a call today. They fixed it. It needed a new battery. $40 cab ride.

5:30 am: Get in security line behind a woman that starts throwing a fit because the line was so long. She hates inefficiency. The airport is so inefficient. Eugene is so inefficient. Everyone just takes their time and no one cares about efficiency. She's lived in Eugene for a week, she's from Michigan, and it just drives her crazy and she has to go to a funeral and she needs to hurry because she has a 6 am flight. She also has three carry-on bags.

5:37 am: Make it to the security gate. Michigan lady has lost her boarding pass. Thinks it's ridiculous that someone needs to check it, she obviously has it or she wouldn't be in line. Do we all think she'd stand in this line if she didn't have a plane to catch?

6:00 am: Flight leaves for Denver.

9:34 am (mountain): Flight lands in Denver. The woman and I next to me were making standard end-of-flight chit chat when we notice that there seem to be several fire trucks on our taxiing route to the airport. Pretty soon those trucks were joined by yellow Hummers with lights a-flashing. The pilot stops the plane well away from the gate and comes on the intercom to inform us that there may be a suspicious package in the cargo hold and the fire guys were going to take a look. About 30 seconds later we were told that we would be asked to deboard the plane and we were to leave all of our stuff on the plane. No personal items were to leave the plane.

I was sitting in row three and as we deplaned there were cops waiting at the bottom. We were told to go across the runway to wait by the firetrucks, but the couple in front of me and my seatmate were pulled aside. At first, I thought they were dividing us up (as some people were already by the firetruck), but no one pulled me aside, so I just walked over the firetruck.
The man was about 55-60 year-old white guy. Standard liberal academic looking type. Gray beard, wearing one of those little round hats Jey wears sometimes, black socks, Birkenstocks. You know the type. The woman was wearing all black. They were sitting next to me on the plane.

The cops talked to them for a little while, then they were put in separate Suburbans and driven off. We passengers stood by the firetruck and watched dogs go into the plane. After about 5 minutes we were told to move much further down the runway. People were calling their families and taking cell phone snaps. My phone was on the plane. People talking to their loved ones got the word that the Eugene airport had been shut down. Shortly after that, we were told to move even further away form the plane.

Eventually, they brought some buses to the tarmac. We were told we were going to be bussed to the terminal and, when they were done searching the plane, we'd eventually get our stuff, although we'd all have to be screened again. Then we were told to wait. Then we were told we could get back on the plane. As we were getting on the plane a cop was standing by the stairs. People were asking him what was going on and he kept repeating that it was all a huge misunderstanding. A huge misunderstanding. When we were all on the plane, the pilot came on the p.a. and told us that TSA in Eugene was found a lead pipe with rolls of dimes in it along with some circuit boards in professor-guy's suitcase in Eugene, but for some reason, they decided to just take the stuff out and let the guy, and his bag!, on the plane. At some point when we were in the air, TSA rethought this plan and there we were.

This news video and story provide some good info.

10:13 am (mountain): My connection to Columbus leaves without me.

11:04 am (mountain): I am behind two fine gentlemen at the United desk in the Denver airport waiting to get a new flight to Columbus. Guy #1 bought his ticket with miles. He doesn't think that he should have to use his miles for a flight like that. He wants his miles recredited. Guy #2 was flying first class. He wants a connection were he will be flying first class. He also doesn't accept that 2 pm is the earliest connection for his flight. He want the United guy to check other airlines for flights -- first class flights.

I am disappointed by this behavior, as we had handled the tarmac incident in true Eugene fashion. Nobody lost their cool, nobody threw a fit, nobody freaked out. We made jokes. We loaned each other phones. Now we were selfish pricks.

While I was waiting to get a connecting flight, one of the United employees picks up the phone and has a conversation that goes like this:

Employee: ...yeah, I'm helping them now. Getting them connecting flights. About 20. Yeah. How's customer reaction? Uh...okay. It's fine. No, no problem.

About 2 minutes later another United employee shows up and starts passing out vouchers for 20% off a future flight and a $10 food coupon. I can't help but think that if we were going nuts, we would have gotten a better deal from United.

5:34 pm (est): Checked into Days Inn in Columbus. This may be the sketchiest hotel I've ever been in. It's not horrible, but I am in the middle of nowhere, well next to the fairgrounds which are very deserted. The rooms are 1987 chic. The tv is 1994 chic. The bolt on the door has clearly been shorn off sometime previous. The man at the front desk doesn't really speak the English. He isn't sure how to get to campus from here (mapquest reveals that it is about four blocks to the west). The only food available to me is a McDonalds.

5:53 pm (est): I book a room at the Holiday Inn where Jack is staying for the next two days. It will cost me approximately $300. Will the GTFF reimburse me? I don't know why they would.

6:03 pm (est): Am pleasantly surprised to discover that the Days Inn has free wireless internets.

7:13 pm (est): I begin eating my Classic Premium Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Asian Salad, and Yogurt Parfait (7 lbs, 22 days) and writing this post.

Ah, AGEL, why do I love you so?

[UPDATE]: My "underneath sheet" doesn't actually fit my bed. I can either have the sheet barely tucked in on both sides or tucked in on one side and "hanging loose" on the other. Either way, the sheet will be wrapped around me by 5 am.

Dali Was a Hack

The Monday strip is why I love the Gil Thorp. I challenge you all to figure out what the hell is going on in these three simple panels. I read the strip almost every day and I have no clue. Okay, I have a little clue, but no strip makes you work so hard just to figure out what the hell is going on. It's like a type of puzzle game. Check out the weekly strip for more surreal fun. Please not that the cartoonist absolutely refuses to make any other team's uniforms look any different than those of our heroes from Milford. Okay, there are a couple of differences. I can spot two differences between Milford's unis and those that belong to Cave Junction. Can you spot a third?

Awesomely Emerald

In a new, (and possibly short-lived) feature, I bring you the best of the Oregon Daily Emerald.

In the "Conservatively Speaking" column of September 25, young go-getter Nik "No C" Antovich informs us that a flat tax would solve all of our problems. He rings up all the usual Club for Growth talking points, including this gem, which I found especially charming given that it is buried in a very obscure college newspaper:

A single rate tax would take out countless monetary variables and leave the citizen. And what is stupefying about it all is that a flat tax would increase government stipends. Let me repeat this, because many D.C. elites don't hear well. A flat tax would lower taxes for everyone, and boost government revenue.

That's right DC elites, it is time to listen up because "No C" is dropping some wisdom on your collective asses. Of course, the DC elites may be too distracted by Nik's ill-placed comma in that last sentence to hear what he's saying, but that's not really the point. Nik makes it clear that he's really talking to the "people" with his final paragraph; a final paragraph that really licks the envelope, puts a stamp on it, and sends the argument home, with love:

A flat tax would end much of the corruption in Washington. Let's take away the tax loopholes that corporations use to avoid taxes and politicians use to reward some while punishing others. Those of you who have faith in God remember this: The Bible has convinced billions of the existence of eternal life after death in less than 800,000 words. Why does it take the government 11 times that to explain our taxes?

BOOM!

More Pain for Me

I thought my fantasy baseball season was over, with me barely, barely losing out and finishing second. I was perfectly okay with this, as I had dominated the regular season and what are you gonna do? Now I find out that the finale is a two-week affair and I'm still in the hunt. Truth be told, I'm not sure I can take it, especially since the whole thing will wrap up with me in Columbus and the last thing I need to be doing is checking my cell phone every 30 seconds to find out if Byrd got a hit which could, theoretically, mean something, depending on forty other factors.

Wobs may be getting frequent calls compelling him to follow the stat tracker for the weekend. Oh, woe.

Twain

The fashion accessory of choice on the UO campus this fall seems to be boobs. Or more to the point, cleavage. Ample, ample cleavage. Even the new grad students are highlighting this particular feature of their physiology. I am, like any good '90s man, horrified by this development and wonder exactly what they young ladies are thinking.

EW Letter of the Week

My understanding is that there are places in this country where not everything is about environmentalism. Eugene is not one of those places.

TRAGIC COMMENTARY

I recently attended the wonderful local Free Shakespeare in the Park's presentation of Romeo and Juliet. What really made this performance stand out was a line in the director's note, "With Romeo and Juliet we see what happens when people are unwilling to love their children more than they hate each other." I have not been able to let go of this thought and am finding it to be a tragic commentary on much of what is happening around the world today.

The most obvious connection here is war, civil war, war on terrorism, whatever — a practice in which a leader and the parents who support that leader are willing to send their children to die for hate, fear or greed.

My thoughts led me next to contemplate all of the other things that we are unwilling to love our children more than. How many choices do we make in our everyday lives, based on our short-sighted desire for convenience, or to save a few dollars today, or to keep up appearances that jeopardize the future of our species? Many of us who are in the position to know better and to do better (and here I readily admit my own lack of perfection!) make lifestyle choices that we know harm others — such as taking advantage of cheap labor or our well-documented continued reliance on carbon based fuels.

So, I send a plea out to all adults, since the children of others are still the future for all of us, to start to be willing to love our children more than we hate and fear others and more than we love our unsustainable lifestyles. It is the everyday choices we make that can protect our future generations from a tragic ending.

Jennifer Wyld, Eugene

Plugs

my friend, space kitten, is back in town and is posting again, so if you've stopped checking over there, please resume. encourage the "bambino blogging," as someday I hope to be put in the position of having to decide which of your kids is the cutest (you know you've got it, lex).

No, the Other One

Great smack down of Rudy.

A New Service From the GTFF

Our Organizer, Dave, will tell you within 10 seconds of meeting whether you have what it takes to make it in graduate school.

Ummmm...New Members

85 new GTFF members today.

Yay!

[Update: Make that 90 newbies!]

A Larf

I'm not saying that Hot Chicks with Douchebags is my new favorite or anything, but I do loves me some snark.

Yeah, By Which I Mean Fuck You Pig.

An exchange between the announcers during the Women's World Cup:

Female Announcer: Oh, that was a hard tackle. When I see something like that I shudder thinking of that brutal game in '99. I've said my jaw still hurts from one of those hits.

Male Announcer: Do you remember that game in '99? There must have been 23 fouls in that game.

Female Announcer: Yeah.

Male Announcer: I bet you still feel some of those hits.

Female Announcer: Yeah.

Sweet Frustration

I was just at a graduate student orientation where the head of the office of affirmative action was bragging about the expansive non-discrimination policy at the UO, including "gender identity and expression."

I have less right than others to be chagrined about this, but it was annoying to hear the UO bragging about a policy they fought and fought. I guess it's better to be annoyed hearing it than to not hear it all.

Eye Shot

A Small Reminder

This is why we hate the rich. Fuck 'em.

From the Wall Street Journal:

In a collision of the art boom, the wealth boom and the Baby Einstein approach to parenting, galleries and auction houses around the country report that children who aren't old enough to drive are building collections that include works by Jasper Johns, Andy Warhol, Camille Pissarro and Rembrandt. At Sotheby's in New York, an 11-year-old boy with blond ringlets waved a paddle last fall and successfully bid $352,000 for a Jeff Koons sculpture of a silver gnome. Some teenagers are flipping art for quick profits. A few grade-schoolers are even loaning works to major museums, including Houston's Museum of Fine Arts, a coup for a collector of any age.

EW Letter(s) of the Week

This one I enjoyed for the complete Eugene-conspiracy-linking subjects that just shouldn't be linked goodness.

ALL PART OF THE PLAN

It is no accident that the war against Iraq has turned into a disaster of biblical proportions. That was the plan.

It is no accident that Hurricane Katrina was manipulated into a massive ethnic cleansing operation that continues to this day. That was the plan. That's what FEMA does.

It is no accident that an Iraq War contractor has been chosen to lead the development of downtown Eugene. The same grand larceny will be committed here as has been committed in Iraq. The Pentagon has deep pockets. Do we? Do you think the rich will pay the bill? Are you kidding?

The Eugene School District failed to meet payroll this month. They are trying to cut benefits for school staff (secretaries, custodians, librarians) while simultaneously increasing benefits for administrators (principals, vice principals, superintendent.) Not meeting payroll will be blamed on the greedy custodians and secretaries, but the only pay increase in sight is going to the highest paid employees. This is no accident, either. That was the plan.

Stealing from the poor is a crime against nature. Destroying a country in order to gain wealth and power is a crime against nature. It is also a crime for which the penalty in law is life in prison. Ethnic cleansing is a crime against nature and also a crime for which the penalty in law is life in prison.

Will the victims of the school district's power grab stand up for their rights or allow themselves to be robbed and impoverished? Will the citizens of Eugene stand up against the selling of our downtown to a Wall Street war profiteer or allow our city and parks to be destroyed for the profit of a few?

Ann Tattersall, Eugene

This one has that citizen creating a wholly-out-of-touch-with-the-world plan plan and proposing it earnestly. I actually quite enjoy this about Eugene.

CONNECT THE DOTS

Pete Sorenson framed the problem before Lane County — regarding looming cuts in federal funding for counties with federal acreage vs. increased timber cutting — well in his recent R-G op-ed piece. On one hand, egregious, unacceptable cuts in county services; on the other, increased logging. If logging were increased to provide timber receipts that we did historically, it would be totally unsustainable, plus it would also probably include cutting old growth. Which way do we go? Neither way!

We need to think outside the box, connect the dots and create a new paradigm. The nurturing, growth and protection of living trees has considerable value in these times of global warming — trees are one of the most effective atmosphere scrubbers that exist. According to a recent study by the UN Committee on Climate Change, one acre of old growth can sequester 1,000 tons of carbon emissions per month, compared to 100 tons by second growth plantation forests. All plant life absorbs carbon dioxide, but trees are the champs.

I propose the Carbon Reduction Investment Initiative, stating that the Congress and president must be persuaded, educated and convinced that there is more value in a live, breathing tree than in a dead one.

I further propose that the federal government invest revenues to counties with federal lands within their borders at a comparative rate to past payments at their maximum for the perpetual stewardship of this great resource as a form of carbon credits rather than by timber receipts for cutting, and that counties who receive these investment funds be charged with applying them to historical uses, i.e. schools, public safety and roads and bridges. Additional funds must be secured to train workers and carry out this important work.

Where might the money come from? The Forest Service and BLM built all the roads and other infrastructures for large timber companies at taxpayer expense over the last half century so that they could make a profit. Redirect the funds from road building to restoring the forests.

Our Oregon delegation, with support from our local officials, could craft a proposal that they could sell to the nation and on Capitol Hill. We and future generations need the trees!

Denny Guehler, Eugene

This one is more of your run-of-the-mill they're-raping-our-forests letter, but I thought that name had what we're looking for here, so I threw it up.

HIDDEN SCARS

Last week (8/30) you had an incredible article by James Johnston on the coastal range logging situation. I do not see any response in the current issue (9/6) and am surprised. Perhaps it is too soon.

My home is in Yachats, and I drive often to Eugene through the coastal range and pass the visible clearcut landscape. I have also flown over in a small plane and witnessed the hidden scarred landscape. It is devastating, and we must take steps to protect what is left.

I hope the lack of response was only due to timing and that people will read that article and write letters, make phone calls and send emails. It is more important than most people realize.

Thank you for doing such a fine job of reporting.

Rheychol Paris, Yachats

Your Request Is My Command

I Know What I Hate

I know that irony is dead and Lord knows the internets prove this. We live in such bizzaro times that it is hard to tell a parody site from a just straight up horror. At times like these a man needs a ruling from his friends.

With this in mind, I offer artist Joe Heaps Nelson. I came across him through a Gawker Artist ad on Jezebel. This is the painting that caught my attention.

I was inclined to think that Joe is interesting artist who is making ironic comments on American life. His "Oregon Ducks Cheerleader" painting being a commentary on how cheerleaders are really just sexual objects. Unoriginal, yes, but when the painting is over four feet tall, the point is amplified, so to speak. Also, see his comments for his "USA Cheerleaders," which seem to indicate that his painting is a comment on an American fascist state that hides behind corn-bread smiles.

But...what the heck is the statement made by his "Oregon State Cheerleaders" painting? At 3 foot by 4 foot, that's a huge painting of some questionable looking cheerleaders. Now I have to wonder if Joe doesn't just paint straight up crap.

Alright, a ruling is needed. Genius, kitch, or crap?

[UPDATE: None of the links work, because Joe can't host a freakin' webpage.]

Fall GMM Flyer

Because I know you enjoy this kind of thing. Thnx for the suggestion, Wobs.

GTFF Silliness

Thought I'd share this with you all, since so many of you we're part of it. It's for the E-Council Retreat.

Where We Come From

The GTFF was founded by a small, but plucky, group of grads in 1976. Were there similarities between this small group of warriors and those brave men and women who fought the British two hundred years before? Of course there were. Both groups stood up to the powers that were and demanded their rights, and both groups struggled through a tough winter at Valley Forge.

Then, not unlike American history, not much happened for a long time. Oh, those that were there probably thought they were doing important work, but in retrospect…meh. Let’s not forget, the ‘80s were about cocaine and greed, so we really shouldn’t expect too much from them. Bottom line, the entire decade was not good for unions, or anybody really, and it is best forgotten.

None of us were there, but I bet we’d all like to imagine that the early ‘90s were a hot time for the GTFF. Northwest music was coming into its own, decent coffee and beer were being brewed, and who wouldn’t have wanted to sport a GTFF flannel? Unfortunately, we have no evidence that it was, indeed, a hot time at the GTFF. There was a blood drive in 1991, but there does seem to be any sense that it was a “who the fuck cares about anything, so let’s give away all our blood” drive, which would have been in keeping with the times. The GTFF voted on whether to change the name of the union, but the initiative was defeated.

The mid-‘90s did see some action at 870 E. 13th. Swept up in the “Organizing Model” craze the GTFF leadership overthrew the staff-led tyranny and revitalized the union. In addition to establishing a health care plan that is very similar to the one we have now, the leaders worked to create the steward structure we have now, and membership climbed up past 50%.


Where We Are Now

The 21st century has known a GTFF in the ascent. Since 2000 (yes, yes, I know), the GTFF has held the line on health care increases for our members, despite annual increases of 15% per year nationwide. We’ve raised the minimum wage 22%, lowered fees by $203 per year, and increased the membership number to 75%. Just as importantly, the GTFF has looked outside of itself and taken a leadership role both at the state level, through our state federation, and nationally, through the Alliance of Graduate Employees.
At the state level, we have been working hard to change the regressive per cap structure used by AFT-OR. We are also trying hard to just be involved more. We’ve chosen to be inside agitators, rather than outside agitators.

We have established the GTFF as the premier graduate employee union in the nation (this claim subject to dispute by every other grad union in the country). We’ve done it through a lot of hard work, lightened by a very evidence sense of fun. We have a reputation for being just a little bit wacky, a little bit odd-ball, and a lot bit fun. Those that came before us built a solid platform, we now have to figure out where the GTFF is going.

T-Shirt Material?

Me Thinks

The GOP are trying very hard to "prove" that Petraeus was not "influenced" by the White House.

They cannot, however, point to any statement or recommendation that Petraeus has made that counters anything the White House has been saying for weeks or was not predicted by the left before the hearing. In other words, he's reading the talking points.

Huzzah!

Rep. Kathy Castor does her job!

She asked Petraeus about the many reports and statements from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs that this thing just isn't working and that if the Iraqis don't get their shit together, no amount of troops or time will make a difference.

Petraeus proceeded to ramble on about how the Iraqis did a really great job of hosting a celebration in Baghdad, providing security for over a million people. Which is great, if you overlook the thousand people killed every month.

Rep. Edward Royce R-(CA)

Is an idiot.

I think he just suggested that the US military(?) should be monitoring the purchase of one-way plane tickets into Damascus. From Saudi Arabia. Because it is obvious that such a purchaser would be a terrorist headed to Iraq.

Oops

We all know President Bush has always said that he will provide the Generals with exactly the number of soldiers they think are necessary to get the job done.

Petraeus just said we wishes he had more troops, but he has what the Army can give him.

Huzzah!

Rep. Ackerman, you earned your pay today!

He asked Petraeus to explain how we can withdraw from Iraq once it is "stabilized" if Iraq is just a battlefield in the global war on terror. Shouldn't the goal be to kill all the terrorists in Iraq?

Petraeus ducked the question.

Disappointment (So Far)

So far no Dem has brought up the GAO report and asked Petraeus to clarify the differences between that report and his report. They have asked very off-topic questions about refugees and diplomacy with Iran.

Benchmarks

I love this GOP idea that the benchmarks are bogus because we didn't meet them, but it is possible to come up with new benchmarks that have been met.

It's almost like these guys have been to an AGEL conference.

His Position on Cherry Trees Is, As Yet, Unknown

General Petraeus, like another citizen soldier I could name, has never told a lie.

Unforeseeable Consequences

So the general theme seems to be that Iran is a major factor in on-going instability and violence. If we withdraw a moment before "General Petraeus" says we can, then Iran will take over Iraq. And we all know how horrible that would be.

New Iraq Strategy

Apparently Ambassador Crocker intends to keep talking until next March, thereby rendering this entire discussion moot.

Oh, and who could have foreseen that Iran might be interested in influencing Iraq? I don't think any serious thinker planned for that.

The New Greatest Generation

Shorter Petraeus

Things are improving. I'll let you know how it's going next March.

Job Openings in the House

There will be an entire staff fired for this microphone cock up, one would assume.

Alright, the one guy that moved Skelton's mike gets to keep his job.

Even the Tippecanoe Vets?

Apparently withdrawing from Iraq means betraying every veteran of the Unites States -- ever.

Which Level Are We On Now?

I'm not a big believer in hell, but there must be some sort of eternal punishment for these Republicans that are not only pretending like the White House didn't write the Petraeus Report and influence his testimony, but go so far as to attack those that point out this simple fact.

A Larf for You, Because I Love

Avril Lavigne:

"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take it to Katrina!' I also like to give stuff to people who are my 'workers,' especially if they don't make much money."

Net Neutrality

The US Justice Department has come out against net neutrality. No idea why they needed to take a position on this.

Who Will It Be?

The ABC-ESPN family of sports networks have university-related "notables" introduce the starting line-ups for the teams their broadcasts feature. For instance, Toby Kieth introduced the Oklahoma starting line-up and Gino Torretta introduced Miami.

Who will introduce the Ducks? Amhad Rashad? Phil Knight? Chris Miller?

I'm on pins and needles.

You Wait Because I Wait

The fine folks at the EW are apparently peeing their various pantaloons about the Eugene Celebration, because they are two days late in posting this week's edition. I'll give you two for one when it does get up.

Finally, The Rock Has Come to Springfield

Apparently, we need to decide whether or not to jettison all of our social values in order to organize the Catholic Latinos. Maybe we could form something like the Working Families Union and put aside the petty issues that divide us.

California Catholic Daily

"Today's labor leaders risk alienating Latinos and jeopardizing Catholic support if they accept and promote abortion and take anti-family and anti-marriage positions aligned with the radical homosexual and feminist movements," writes Schultze, who, prior to becoming a Jesuit priest, worked for the National Labor Relations Board.

You know me, I say fuck 'em. Either Jesus is already with us, or it really doesn't fucking matter.

Everything Is Socially Constructed

The NIE and GAO reports on the Iraq War said violence in Iraq is up. The CIA and the Defense Intelligence Agency have said that violence in Iraq is on the rise.

They are all wrong.

The military will report next week that it is down. Violence is way down. They would prove it to you, but the data are, unfortunately, classified.

Because Someone Has to Say It

I think an Obama-Oprah ticket would be the bomb!

GOP Talking Points

On the GAO and "Patraeus" Reports, you are allowed to hold one of two positions.

1. The benchmarks are artificial and the product of yesterday's thinking. You always opposed these benchmarks. The benchmarks are "top down" and "centralized." You are not a pussy, so you are not actually allowed to use the phrases "from the ground up" or "organic," but you can certainly let your listener come to those words on his or her own. There is progress being made.

2. If your opponent should assert that there is no progress being made and for whatever reason you are not allowed to use talking point number one (perhaps you host some sort of media show that keeps transcripts), then accuse your opponent of not waiting for General Patraeus' Report. Accuse him or her of being a leftist who already has his or her mind made up. Keep asserting that progress is being made because General Patraeus says progress is being made.

Since both of these talking points ignore all facts and are inherently and internally contradictory, it is recommended that you team with a partner and deploy both tactics simultaneously and loudly.

REMEMBER! Democrats are scared of men in uniforms. When in doubt repeat "General Patraeus, General Patraeus, General Patraeus," at no time will any of them dare dispute anything we tell him to say.

Just In Case You Were Getting Excited

The GAO report does not matter. It does not matter because the Republicans will say it does not matter and the Democrats will not have the balls (sorry for the coarse language, but this war! darn it) to bring it up when Patraeus is telling everyone that progress is being made and we need more time.

Just to be clear: an independent government agency, charged with investigating progress in Iraq, has just reported that there is little to no progress and that the surge is not working. This does not matter.

General Patraeus, reading a script written by the White House, will say that progress is being made, but offer absolutely no specifics. This is all that matters.

Put that brain away, you won't be needing it anytime soon.

I Don't Hate Columbus

I hate traveling to Columbus. 11 hour flights and a 2-star hotel. Delicious.

Got Any Eights?

You know how when your playing 'Go Fish' and you tell someone to "go fish" and if they draw what they asked you for, then they call out "I got what I wanted," and then they get to go again? And there is that moment's hesitation before you can ask for what you want because they may have gotten what they want. It's hard to know exactly how long that pause should be, largely because we play 'Go Fish' so infrequently these days that sometimes the opponent can forget to check to see if, indeed, the card they drew was the card they wanted. In this way, silence is an odd way to indicate that it's your turn to speak, when normally it is the perfect indicator.

Well, some of you know that recently I went fishing for a new job and a new car.

As awkward as it may be, let my silence be my indication that it is your turn.