Once upon a time, in a city unlike our own, that did not have the Christian moral backbone or abundance of wealth as ours does, lived a little girl named Peggy. Aside from the fact that Peggy wasn’t blessed with a large home in a good neighborhood, she was a very happy little girl. She had good Christian parents who had taught her early on that if you are saved you will go to live with God in Heaven and if you aren’t then you will die a terrible death and burn in HELL. From the time she was four years old little Peggy knew that people who had sexual relations out of wedlock were going to have deformed babies; that all Catholics were not really saved; and homosexuals were just people who had chosen to live a wicked lifestyle but blame it on a genetic deformity.
Therefore, you see, she knew right from wrong much like all of you children do, she just wasn’t given the nice toys and clothes like you all have. Maybe, because her Daddy had done something bad in the past, and Father God was punishing him to work a blue-collar job and barely able to make ends meet. Nevertheless, she was a Christian (Republican Baptist) and that still made her a good little girl even though she looked and dressed like white trash. One day while Peggy’s daddy was at his menial job working on cars or selling shoes, or whatever it is that poor people do for money, Peggy was playing in her back yard with another little girl. I think that perhaps they were playing church with their dolls, because that is what nice girls do with their dolls whether they are playing with Madam Alexander® dolls or Barbie® dolls. I imagine that since Peggy was poor they were playing with cheap knock-off dolls made in China by Godless Orientals.
However, they pretended that their little dolls were Christians and that is all that matters in this story. Well, the girls were just about to play Sunday School Class Meeting when they heard a terrible noise from the small asbestos covered house next door to hers. “What was that!?” the girls cried out dropping their cheap dolls to run over to the fence. “Maybe it’s a sinner we can pray for!” (I told you Peggy was a Christian even if she was poor) and off they ran.
Well, imagine the horror that they must have felt when they reached the chain link fence and could see the next-door neighbor man shaking one of her cat’s little kittens as hard as he could by its feet. (All poor people opt for chain link verses a wooden privacy fence. It’s a known fact and you can see for yourself by driving through a distressed neighborhood sometime) The poor thing was making a dreadful noise and Peggy knew from the sound it made that death was right around the corner for the poor little thing.
You see, poor people are too cheap to have their cats spayed or neutered and usually have about ten running around at any given time. Therefore, she had heard her share of cats being backed over by a car in her neighborhood; chopped to bits for sleeping in the engine; or shot for keeping the neighbors awake with their mating calls in the wee hours of the morn. However, this was something different; this man was purposefully killing this kitten. Scared, the girls took off running to the house and in a flash were inside the screened door (something else that all poor people have to keep a breeze running through their homes because they cannot afford to run the air conditioning) and into the kitchen.
“Mommy, come quick!” she cried, “that man who doesn’t go to church and drinks beer all day is killing one of them kittens!” Now even though Peggy’s mother was poor she did not promote animal cruelty, so she threw down her mop and went running outside with the girls in tow to see just what was happening. Well, by the time, they got back around the house the noise the air was filled with silence. Peggy’s mommy was just about to chastise the girls for making her leave her chores because of their alarmist reactions to nothing, when she saw something that would nearly take the curl out of her home perm: it was the next-door neighbor man and his beer-drinking friends & they were wearing black robes and each holding a dead kitten. One of the men was even a Negro!
“Oh my God!” she cried out. “What are you doing to those poor cats?” It was as if they were in a trance. (A trance is exactly the way a welfare recipient acts when they are told they will have to get a job — they pretend not to hear or see you — it is a state of utter shock) Peggy’s mother tried again to call out to the men but her words fell onto deaf ears (much like a shiftless welfare recipient). She was just about to grab the girls and run inside to call the law on them when the chanting began: “Ahyaiiieee Master Satan in the darkness of below. We worship and follow you for eternity. In the black hooded cloak of sin, we follow you wherever you go. Iyeiiblafiyuru we love you Satan, our Atheist Father of Evil. There is no God. For this, we know. For as Agnostics and Atheists its Hell we’ll want to go.”
The eerily frightening Satanic chants and the hums of nervous atheist sin were just about to lure Peggy’s mother and her little playmate into oblivion when suddenly Peggy shouted, “Mommy! Why is that man skinning our cat?” It was right then that her mother grabbed the two girls by their little arms and ran with them as fast as she could back into the safety of their Christian home.“Honey come here”, her mother said as soon as they were back inside the cheaply appointed but clean kitchen, “Those men are Atheists, and, as you know, Honey, all Atheists will try and tell you that they are not Satanists but they are. Every single one of them kill small animals, and sometimes even little children too, as part of their glorification of the Devil” As the tears began to flow down little Peggy’s cheeks her mother clutched her daughter to her and cried into her hair, “We mustn’t cry now. God doesn’t like weak people. He wants us to big and strong so when He comes down from Heaven to take us home we will have lots of energy saved up to laugh at those Devil worshipping Atheists as he drags them off to Hell.”
Her Christian (Republican Baptist) mother continued, “Remember when Daddy and Pastor Royce told us about how God was going to set fire from the inside out anyone who hated Him and was an Agnostic? Well, that’s what’s going to happen to all of those cat-murdering men. When they least expect it their guts are going to explode and they will suffer eternally until they die. Then, Honey, they will go live in Hell with the rotten, maggot infested flesh-eating sinners that God hated enough to send there. And we can just laugh and laugh!” She then patted her daughter on the rear end and sent her and her playmate into the living room to read Bible stories and have cookies & milk.
Little Peggy and her friend stayed in the living room until Peggy’s daddy came home from his low paying but honest work. (Remember children, even though he made very little money he did work, and, that is a lot more than we can say about those who mooch off the Government) Anyway, Peggy and her little playmate didn’t even notice as her Daddy walked right past them to the gun cabinet and took out a clip and his favorite gun. “Girls, he said, “Poppa God and me want you to see a miracle. Come outside with me and stand on the porch.” Well, being the obedient little girls they were they stood silently as Peggy’s Daddy walked over to the mean Atheist/Satanist’s house and began shooting round after round into his front window.”
Oh, how little Peggy and her friend enjoyed this. They loved watching Peggy’s father pump round after round of bullets into the hovel next door, the Godly and powerful sound of the gun and even more, they enjoyed when the Devil worshipper neighbor man stumbled out the picture window and his chest exploded from the gunfire. They clapped and they praised Jesus that the mean man was getting what he deserved for killing Miss Fluffy and her babies.
“Daddy?” she said when the gunfire had stopped, “I wish all Atheists would get what that man did.” Looking at his daughters glowing face, her father wiped at a tear that was forming in his eye and said to her, “Baby Girl, as long as we have faith in our Lord, so long as we have Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, and the NRA running our country, and the Second amendment protected, anything can happen. Just keep on praying that our next president will have the guts to keep us Christians safe from those kind of people.”
The End
As a Pro-Life, Pro-Family, Pro-America, Christian-Republican, Sam Brownback would never kill a cat and neither should you.
Vote for Sam Brownback in 2008 and again in 2012 to protect America and our cats from Atheists!
