Electric Twanger

As I mentioned earlier, I've spent a decent portion of the weekend watching '80s videos in alphabetical order, so I think I speak from a position of some authority when I say the '80s produced little that was absurdly awesome as this:



Of course, I still identify with the kid, especially with my overt distaste of all things Boomer, but as the father of a thirteen year old, I can also sympathize to a certain degree with father. Lord knows the possibility of having your son turn into Dee Snider would be pretty terrifying and could drive a man to all sorts of tantrum throwing. The lesson here, of course, that when we act based on our fears, we can sometimes make those very apprehensions come true. Is there nothing Twisted Sister can't teach us?

Long Weekend

VH1 Classic is showing every video from the '80s in alphabetical order. Well, maybe not every video, but it's pretty thorough.

We're on Love Stinks, you should grab a slice.

You Guys Know About This, Right?

Hope to see you all there.

I was supposed to be in a band, but it didn't come off. Wanted to do a few covers off of Bleach. Thought about calling the band Francis Bean is All Alone, but, again, it didn't come off.

[Update] This looks better on a white background. Click on it.

The Reason I Ain't Been Bloggin

or, as Mr. Orange said, "I'm fucking dying over here."

Oddly Enough, I'm Wearing a Low Neck Sweater Right Now

I've been listening to a lot of Beatles lately, having spent my weekend downloading all their albums (official cannon plus Magical Mystery Tour) in lossless FLAC format, so everything in my life (boom!) is taking on kind of a Beatles flavor.

How do you explain to your twelve-year-old daughter than, no, she probably wouldn't have enjoyed the Magical Mystery Tour at all? Is this a teaching moment or should I let her enjoy the Beatles without having to try to figure out which lyrics are drug references?

And then there's this, for Lex:



Mixed message, for sure.

It Ain't Easy

Not being one for a whole lot of personal reflection in the season of personal reflection (I am fat. I am aware that I am fat. I obsess on this in the belief that it is my only flaw), I imagine that my holiday season offerings will most consist of references to other bits of fun that are keeping me having a nice time. I pass them on to you with love.

I always enjoy the AV Club's Least Essential Albums of the Year. Many, many people spend a decent portion of their lives telling me of my shit taste in music, but at least I can appreciate what's crap!

Vanilla Ice, Vanilla Ice Is Back!: Hip Hop Classics
As one of the first, and worst, white rappers, Vanilla Ice nearly smothered the art form in its crib, and since then, he’s spent much of his career attempting to finish the job. Ice Is Back: Hip-Hop Classics features the nth comeback attempt by the now 41-year-old Rob Van Winkle, and it’s far and away the most unforgivable thing he’s ever done, far surpassing other crimes against humanity like Cool As Ice, “Ninja Rap,” and Hard To Swallow. This time out, he does wretched covers of classic rap songs, including “You Gots To Chill,” “Insane In The Brain,” and in an extended middle finger to the entirety of black culture, “Fight The Power” and “Buffalo Soldier.” Although it claims to be produced by someone named Adam Hamilton, Vanilla Ice Is Back! features beats and sounds straight out of a karaoke machine, and as if to absolutely cement the dismal amateurishness of it all, the retro-ish cover looks like it was incompetently Photoshopped by a friend of Van Winkle’s who works at a copy shop. It’s irony from someone who doesn’t get irony.

I'm Not So Sure About That

My daughter is taking a "History of Rock and Roll" class at her middle school and her teacher passed out a sheet listing the 30 most influential artists. God Bless the man for even attempting such a project, Lord knows that certain friends of mine would find themselves paralyzed if asked to come up with such a list, but I have some issues with his list, and I think you might as well. Here is Teacher's list in (rough) chronological order:

1. Chuck Berry
2. Little Richard
3. Buddy Holly
4. Everly Brothers
5. Jerry Lee Lewis
6. Elvis Presley
7. Ray Charles
8. Roy Orbison
9. James Brown
10. Smokey Robinson
11. Stevie Wonder
12. Aretha Franklin
13. Beatles
14. Beach Boys
15. Bob Dylan
16. Rolling Stones
17. Byrds
18. The Who
19. Eric Clapton & Cream
20. Jimi Hendrix
21. Grateful Dead
22. The Band
23. Janis Joplin
24. Doors
25. Santana
26. Led Zeppelin
27. Allman Brothers
28. Bob Marley & the Wailers
29. Elton John
30. Michael Jackson

Also listed as "Other Greats":
Bo Diddley
Fats Domino
Eagles
Bruce Springsteen
Neil Young
Kurt Cobain
Paul Simon
Van Morrison
Tina Turner
The Police
John Fogerty
Billy Joel
Crosby, Stills, and Nash
Pink Floyd
Aerosmith
Van Halen

My first reaction was to notice that no artist has had any influence on rock and roll since approximately 1984, which is sad. My second reaction was to notice that punk has been uninfluential altogether, which I am sure comes as a surprise to anyone who has listened to a record since, say, 1984. As far as I can tell, this list is more Teacher's "Bands I Like" list than a "Most Influential" list.

For some reason I focused my (mild, mild) ire on the selection of the Allman Brothers, as their particular brand of laid-back rocking completely misses my sweet spot. Apparently I am not alone, as they only had one song crack the Top 20 in their careers. Still, they may be influential with the music-types.

Let it be a lesson to all you young parents out there that your kids will tell their teachers everything. The next day I was informed that Teacher says that the Allman Brothers are perhaps the most influential band of all time. I balk at this.

Help me out here. In the comments tell me which artists you'd take off and who you'd replace them with. Make it one for one so we're not just listing "Bands I Like."

Back at Work

Because this don't never get old. Watch the whole damn thing. If they were paying you to actually get something done, they'd be paying you more.

Last Chance

for the song thing.

For those too lazy to scroll.

Answers tomorrow.

Done and done.

Didn't See That Coming

During a break in the Flyers-Penguins match up on Sunday night, Mellon Arena played Fugazi's "Waiting Room." Hockey and Fugazi, two great tastes that go great together.

Song Line Meme (Easy Version)

I will take pride in the easiness of this list. No obscure indie rock for me, thank you. Straight up fluff.

From Napster, instead of the pod.

This is following from feminist, ph.d's welcome introduction of this meme. The rules:

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.

Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Step 4: Strike through when someone gets them right.

Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.

So here goes, in no particular order - or as the kids might say, "Randomly..."

Update (with hints!): Let's wrap this bad boy up! With the possible exception of #22, you've heard of all of these artists. You've probably heard most of these songs. Possibly even made sweet, sweet love while listening to them. Five of the remaining songs contain the title of the song in the first two lines. Where the hell is Pattyjoe when you need him. Oh yes, actually doing important work.

1. I am skin and bone, I am pointy nose
2. I've been really tryin', baby/Tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long (Let's Get It On, Marvin Gaye)
3. I got a letter from the government the other day
4. Just because we've gone away/Here's a message from me and Ray (Descendents, Descendents)
5. I love love you darling/Come and go with me Actually it was the Beach Boys version
6. Jesus take me to a higher place
7. I'm going to hell, who's coming with me?/Somebody, please help him, I think my dad's gone crazy! (My Dad's Gone Crazy, Eminem)
8. Working all week, nine to five for my money/So when the weekend comes I go get live with the honey (Wild Thing, Tone Loc)
9. Everybodys talking about the girl who went and killed the delivery man/But she looks so kind and gentle, it just doesn't stand to reason (Anesthesia, Bad Religion)
10. When the going gets tough and the stomach acids flow/The cold wind of conformity is nipping at your nose
11. Shake your money maker like somebody about to pay ya/I see you on my radar, don't you act like you're a faker (Money Maker, Ludacris)
12. The weather outside is frightful (okay, but which singer?) Vegas, baby! (Wayne Newton)
13. Going down to Rosie's/Gonna talk to Fanny May (Don't Start Me Talkin', New York Dolls)
14. You can do it, put your back into it/I can do it, put your ass into it (You Can Do It, Ice Cube)
15. Back, caught you looking for the same thing
16. Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone
17. Rock me, give me that kick now/Rock me, show me that trick now (Rock Me, ABBA)
18. Starry, starry night, paint your pallet blue and gray
19. I'm on my time with everyone
20. One baby to another says I'm lucky to have met you
21. I was talking with a friend of mine/Said a woman had hurt his pride
22. Gather together, be brothers and sisters/We're independent, we're independent (Forward March, Derrick Morgan)
23. I've spent a lifetime looking for you/Single bars and good time lovers, never true (Looking for Love, Waylon Jennings)
24. In a little while from now/If I'm not feeling any less sour (Alone Again, Naturally, Gilbert O'Sullivan)
25. All of me, why not take all of me? (NOFX) I have many versions of this song - it's one of my all-time favs - in the Napster.

Do Yourself a Favor

Check out Poison's cover of JT's Sexyback. Not sure it works exactly, but it's rougher sound goes better with the lyrics than JTs hip-hop club vibe.

As to whether or not Bret Michaels is actually brining sexy back, well, I'll let you decide that.

Get Thee to a Nunnery

I don't usually write too much about celebrity gossip, but it's something I follow. I believe Wobs got me hooked on it. When we weren't trolling the net for Lordi videos, I'd hit up the celebrity sites. So I know what's what.

As I said, don't usually comment on this stuff here, but I had to make note of the Miley Cyrus (or, as I call her, Ciley Myrus) hubbub. For those not inclined to watch The View, read the gossip column in the local paper, or be American, Miley is a huge star with all the kids because of the Disney show Hanna Montana, which I have never viewed, but know all about. Because I'm American.

She has an interview in Vanity Fair wherein Annie Leibovitz took some photos, one of which feature some hot 15 year-old naked back action. You can view it here. Go ahead, I'll wait. Prepare yourself, though, it's pretty shocking. Back? Okay. Breathing regular again?

Apparently, a good portion of the America lives in a world where naked 15 year-old backs are something that should not be discussed, let alone shown to the world. Apparently, we're supposed to be very concerned about her fans. Apparently, every girl between the ages of 6 and 19 are going to be running out and demanding that Leibovitz take portraits of their naked backs. Apparently.

The reason I write about this and the kicker for me is that the fine folks at Disney have gotten into the act. The current "line" is that Miley was somehow tricked into taking these "racy" photos or pressured into by Leibovitz.

A Disney spokeswoman, Patti McTeague, faulted Vanity Fair for the photo. “Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines,” she said.

BOOM! The fine folks at Disney are very concerned that someone would manipulate a young woman in the pursuit of profits! The horror!

And Disney is not stopping a tut-tutting the situation, the are going to put Miley on ice for awhile.

"You won't be seeing her for a while," a highranking Disney employee was overheard saying this weekend at a luncheon in LA, according to Page Six. "The company is keeping her away from events and wants her to keep a very low profile for the next four to six months. They're trying to keep her contained."

I honestly don't know where to go with this.

I want to write about the two Americas -- the one where we thought we were past sending young women to the country to have babies to avoid embarrassing the family (let's call this "Blue America") and the one where even the exposure of 15 year-old back is enough to warrant the country treatment ("Red America.")

I want to write about the fact that if there is a single corporation that has done more harm to the young women of America to a greater extent than Disney, I'd like someone to name it. I was at a Girl Scouts meeting the other day (my only one and I am milking it) and the girls were discussing which characters from a musical or play they would want to be. One of them named "the girl lion from the Lion King." I thought about saying something at that point about how interesting it was that the whole movie was male focused, even though though a lion pride is heavily reliant on female lions to survive, to the point where we couldn't even remember the name of the "girl lion," but then other girls started aspiring to be like characters from Rent and my thoughts were taken in other directions. (Hello, fellow Girl Scout parents. Rent? Are you freakin' kidding me!?)

I also want to write about the exploitation of children for entertainment. Also about really crappy kids shows. About corporate control of female bodies. About teen sex. But I have work to do and other outrages piling up on my desk.

The Book of Love Has Opened Up, and I Want In

There's your punk rock Monday for ya.

As most of you know, I cracked, fractured and otherwise broke my arm last weekend. I thought I'd report that it hurts particularly bad today. The next six weeks will be telling, but for now I sense that this may be a Cougaresque "hurt so good," wherein sometimes love healing don't feel like it should and I am now officially calling on my arm to make it feel like it should.

Some of you may be wondering how a 35 year-old man (né baby) broke his arm. Just know no 35 year-old man should be jumping off the backs of couches, no matter what reason or how drunk.

Speaking of my idiocy...well I was going to tell you a story about the moment I officially became a high school loser who never made it with the ladies (and conspicuously lacked next door neighbors with daughters and/or favors), but I realized that I should tell my wife this story before you all, as it relates to her most of all and she should hear it from me. I'm picturing a Welcome Back Kotter-esque situation, like at the end of the episode where Kotter would tell Julie about his wacky family. Hilarious. You can keep your John Travoltas, I'll take Gabe Kaplan any day of the week. You ever wonder what Kaplan might have done with the Vincent role in Pulp Fiction? Think on it, you may be surprised where it takes you. Maybe it's just Monday and I'm looking forward to the High Stakes Poker tonight.

The Kind of Thing That Can Only Be Settled in the Blogosphere

When Kevin DuBrow of Quiet Riot sings "I've got the boys to make the noise" in Metal Health, is he referring to his junk or his band mates?

Help me out here.

Avuncular Happenings

In yesterday's Board meeting, I referenced Peter Gabriel's song "Biko." No one had any idea what I was talking about. Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure not many were listening to me.

It's on Sale at St. Mark's on Monday

You know you've found love when they promise to hose you down with holy water when you get too hot.

Ummmm...McGuire

I've said it before, and I'll go ahead and say it again, Eve of Destruction rocks my world. Every. Freakin'. Time.

Of course, the state I'm in, there's not much that doesn't rock my world.

Feeling the Noize

The great thing about Napster is that when one of your friends start reminiscing about Quiet Riot, you can just dial up the tunes and sing along for free.

Pretention, Thy Name is Frank

Went and saw former Pixies frontman Frank Black perform at the WOW Hall on Friday. His band goes by the name Black Francis. Yep. He lives in Eugene now. A fact that I was supposed to wet my pants about.

I swear to the Lord that he said that he had just flown in from Helsinki and he was burnt from the trip. His voice was fried. I gave him a lot of slack for this, although I wondered about scheduling a gig right after such a trip, but actually admired the "fuck it, I'll do it for the new hometown" ethos he was laying down. 'Course some of the shine was knocked off this when it was mentioned that he's lived here for three years. All shine is gone after visiting his website and seeing that he's had gigs in Portland and their Couve in the week before he played Eugene. What the fuck was that about Helsinki?

He played a few Pixies songs solo. Nice touch. Then the band came out and the "rocking" began.

You know, I have a kind of "dancing" style that involves me standing still. If the song is really rocking, you might see my head nod back and forth with some modified front to back body rocking. Too old and fat for the pit, this is all you will get out of me. I honestly cannot understand people who are going nuts bouncing up and down, side to side, and generally freaking out to a soft rock song. And soft rocking was all we were doing, save one song.

So Frank informs us that his new album is based on the life of Dutch artist...well I didn't catch the name. Internet research shows that he was referring to Herman Brood. Now it is obvious that Frank dwells in the 12th Realm of Hipsterdom where Brood is practically a saint (I guess). I dwell in the level where references to "Dutch artists" transport me to the 17th-century world of Rembrandt and Vermeer. My mind touched briefly on Van Gogh and then, naturally, on Don McLean's awesome "Starry Night" and then on NOFX's kick-ass cover. No such ass-kicking was to follow.

Between songs would tell us which parts of Brood's life inspired the next song. Of course, Frank was operating under the impression that we already had a firm grasp of the details and his mere references would allow us to follow along. It was during one of these interludes that I/we learned that Brood was not a 17th-century painter, but rather an 1970's rocker. While the lyrics to the songs were unintelligible, it was slightly disturbing to find that my canal-laden visions of lower-class painters living in an upper-class world needed to be replaced with the glory that was 1970s Holland. Of course my pop-culture addled mind immediately raced to Austin Power's Goldmember and jokes about the freaky-deeky Dutch.

Anyway, the place was hotter than hell and I really didn't care about Herman Brood. When Black tried to tell us that Brood had "redeemed" the Amsterdam Hilton by jumping off it's roof to his death, I was completely done with him. Suicide was cool and the hotel needed to be redeemed because it was the site of John and Yoko's "Bed in." Ironically, it was about this time that his wife joined him on stage for some Onoesque background singing.

He got a little schtick from the audience for going on about how cool it was that Brood had jumped off the Hilton to commit suicide. Frank was taken aback. For just a moment I could tell he was thinking of walking off the stage in one of those "how dare they" moments. He stuck with the show, but as the room grew hotter and people starting shouting more "who the fuck cares about this"-type comments during his interludes, he grew more pissy.

My ability to go with the flow was ended with the anecdote about Brood's lover Nina Hagen. I still haven't figured out why her name drew a cheer from the audience. A case of mistaken identity? Anyway the song Black was about to play was inspired by her, or as Black put it, "This next song is inspired by Nina Hagen, Brood's lover. It's not about her. I thought about writing a song about her, but just couldn't. But I certainly thought a lot about her while writing this album." Or something to that effect. That was about all I could take.

Black ended the show by playing one of Brood's songs, "You Can't Break a Heart and Have It." Wouldn't you know it, it was the most rocking song of the whole freaking show. I wasn't the only one who thought this, as the whole crowd was into it. I couldn't help but wonder if the whole thing might not have gone off better if Black had just chosen to play some of Brood's songs and leave it at that.

No encore for us. We certainly had not earned it.